Dancing in Random Places
Title
Dancing in Random Places
Description
Having to go home (my parents' house) unexpectedly has both been a privilege and a struggle. Some days I feel at peace and comfortable here, other days I feel claustrophobic and trapped inside my body, my room, my house, my suburban neighborhood in Kansas. Some days I feel like I have no sense of purpose, my body simply wasting away.. and the energetic, exciting, motivated, lively person I can be is fading away inside it. I've been experiencing a lot of body dysmorphia these past few weeks, not being as active as I used to be, I fixate on certain parts of my body that I want to change. I've lost a lot my sense of self and self expression at home, especially in terms of my gender and identity. Everyone here refers to me as "she" and I let them, there's no point in correcting them. There are many other battles I must deal with first.
One of them is the guilt of wanting to leave home. Fortunately, I've been able to open up to my parents a lot more about the complicated emotions I've been holding onto in our relationship, after years of conflict and tension. And initiating that conversation about wanting to leave home, opened a new door for healing. Even though after talking with them I decided to stay this summer, I felt like it was a decision we made together, rather than against one another. I didn't feel like they were forcing me to stay, and I feel like when I do decide to leave, I won't be running away.
Anyway, something that has been making me feel alive again and have agency in my body while being home is dancing. It's a bit strange to find new places that I'm comfortable moving in, but after sweeping the garage really well, I've found a lot of joy in dancing for the fuck of it. I feel in touch with my body again, and I don't worry about how I look, or what identities I hold, or what genders I best align with, I simply am me.
Hopefully I can hold onto this way of finding myself, and FEELING myself, no matter where I end up being.
One of them is the guilt of wanting to leave home. Fortunately, I've been able to open up to my parents a lot more about the complicated emotions I've been holding onto in our relationship, after years of conflict and tension. And initiating that conversation about wanting to leave home, opened a new door for healing. Even though after talking with them I decided to stay this summer, I felt like it was a decision we made together, rather than against one another. I didn't feel like they were forcing me to stay, and I feel like when I do decide to leave, I won't be running away.
Anyway, something that has been making me feel alive again and have agency in my body while being home is dancing. It's a bit strange to find new places that I'm comfortable moving in, but after sweeping the garage really well, I've found a lot of joy in dancing for the fuck of it. I feel in touch with my body again, and I don't worry about how I look, or what identities I hold, or what genders I best align with, I simply am me.
Hopefully I can hold onto this way of finding myself, and FEELING myself, no matter where I end up being.
Creator
Cathy Truong '22
Date
05-13-2020
Note
Song is BREAKDANCE LESSON N.1 by KAYTRANADA
Files
Citation
ctruong, “Dancing in Random Places,” Macalester: Place and Community in a COVID Landscape, accessed May 2, 2024, https://dwlibrary.macalester.edu/spring2020/items/show/188.